SNARKY DISCLAIMER: Tonight’s program is brought to you by Dysfunction™ — the official sponsor of every Republican-led shutdown threat since Newt Gingrich discovered he couldn’t keep his pants zipped or his caucus disciplined. 

Alright folks, strap in — because once again, it’s time for America’s dumbest recurring game show: Government by Hostage-Taking!

See, the House Republicans — those budgetary barn animals in ties — passed themselves a shiny little stopgap bill. Keeps the lights on until November 21. Seven whole weeks! Wow! That’s like duct taping a leaky dam and calling it Hoover. And what’s in this masterpiece of fiscal responsibility? Oh, nothing partisan at all, they swear. Except for the part where they snuck in eighty-eight million dollars in new security for themselves because one of their influencers got shot. That’s right — can’t afford health care, can’t afford Medicaid, but you sure as hell better protect their asses from the very lunatics they keep arming.

And then Mike Johnson, the Speaker who looks like he was built in a lab to say “heck no,” comes out strutting like he solved the deficit. “No partisan riders!” he says. “No tricks!” Buddy, you stuffed it full of cash for panic rooms while the rest of the country’s rationing insulin. That’s not a clean bill — that’s a mugging in a three-piece suit.

Meanwhile, Democrats are saying: hey, how about extending subsidies, rolling back Medicaid cuts, keeping public broadcasting alive so Big Bird doesn’t have to work the corner? And the GOP’s answer is: Heck no. They won’t even talk. Won’t negotiate. Won’t do the bare minimum of government’s actual job. Because this isn’t about funding the country, it’s about playing chicken with the lives of federal workers and ordinary Americans.

This is what they do. Every few months. Every goddamn year. Shut it down, brink of shutdown, threaten to shut it down. They don’t govern, they grandstand. They’ve turned the federal budget into performance art — except instead of interpretive dance, it’s interpretive arson.

And you know the sick punchline? Both sides know it’s dead on arrival in the Senate. Democrats won’t swallow it, Republicans won’t compromise, and we all get to sit around and wait for the lights to flicker while they fight about who gets the better sound bite. Federal workers won’t get paid, national parks will lock the gates, kids go hungry — but hey, at least Mike Johnson gets to look tough for the MAGA cameras.

This isn’t governing. This isn’t compromise. This is legislative Russian roulette, and the gun’s pointed at your paycheck, your healthcare, your future. And every time the chamber clicks empty, they laugh and reload.

That’s not democracy. That’s a hostage situation. And the ransom is your tax dollars paying for their extra metal detectors while they tell you to go fuck yourself about affording groceries.

Welcome to America, folks — where shutting down the government is the only bipartisan tradition we’ve got left.