SATIRE DISCLAIMER: The following performance contains professional-grade profanity, precision-engineered contempt, and excessive amounts of political ridicule. Nothing here is literal legal advice, medical guidance, immigration criteria, or an endorsement of RFK Jr.’s “poetry.” Viewer discretion advised unless you were on Twitter during 2017–2021, in which case you’ve already seen worse.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to America — the world’s first country to combine immigration law, medical cosplay, and slam poetry performed by a man who once licked a toad for spiritual guidance.

Let’s start with the latest masterstroke from the Trump administration: visa officers are now allowed to deny immigrants based on diabetes, heart disease, cancer, obesity, neurological conditions, mental health, or, hell, even just being old.

Not contagious. Not dangerous. Just expensive.

It’s the first immigration system in history administered by people who think “metabolic disorder” means eating Taco Bell after 10 PM.

You know what this is? It’s the State Department saying: “Give us your tired, your poor,

 your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…unless they need refills, eyeglasses, or a doctor with a degree from anywhere other than Trump University.”

Visa officers — not medical professionals, visa officers — are instructed to eyeball people and decide: “Hmm… that guy looks like he might one day cost money.”

Fantastic! Let’s give immigration decisions to the same kind of people who think WebMD is a medical degree.

We’re telling applicants: “Sorry, your mom has arthritis, your kid’s autistic, and your BMI isn’t MAGA-approved. Please enjoy being poor and healthy somewhere else.”

Meanwhile, RFK Jr. — the Patron Saint of Bad Decisions — is dropping “poetry” online like a man whose frontal lobe wandered off to join a commune.

Lines so bad they should come with an EpiPen.

If bad poetry were a medical condition, RFK Jr. wouldn’t get into his own house, let alone the United States.

And right after that literary atrocity, he demands the CDC declare that the scientific consensus — the one backed by decades of research —“vaccines don’t cause autism”—should be labeled “not evidence-based.”

Not evidence-based?

We’ve got mountains of studies, peer-reviewed papers, clinical trials — enough evidence to bury the Library of Congress — and this administration says:

“Eh. Science is more of a suggestion.”

The CDC, forced by decree, now has to act like immunology is a rumor you heard behind an Applebee’s.

We’re turning away immigrants with diabetes…while putting medical policy in the hands of people who think WiFi causes cancer and kale is part of a deep-state plot.

You see the pattern?

This government is waging war on the sick, the disabled, the elderly, the medically inconvenient —everyone except the rich people funding the war.

And the people steering this ship have all the scientific literacy of a boiled carrot.

They’re cutting SNAP.

Letting babies go hungry.

Slashing health subsidies.

Undermining vaccines.

Encouraging conspiracy theories.

And then they have the nerve — the sheer cosmic audacity — to tell immigrants:

“You’re a financial burden.”

Buddy, immigrants aren’t the burden. Ignorance is. Greed is. RFK Jr.’s poetry sure as hell is.

And in the end, we get the real motto of this administration — the one they mutter when they think no one’s listening: “America is a country for the healthy, the wealthy, and the gullible.”

If you’re poor? Denied.

If you’re sick? Denied.

If you’re disabled? Denied.

If you believe in evidence-based medicine? Denied AND audited.

But if you write bad poetry and spread medical misinformation? Oh baby — the red carpet’s rolled out.

Welcome to America, 2025. Where compassion is subscription-based, facts are optional, and the Statue of Liberty is filing HR complaints about being misquoted.