⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (aka “In George We Trust, but the Lawyers Need Cover”):

 The following is a satirical commentary inspired by the style and spirit of the late, great George Carlin. It does not represent the views of any particular individual, deity, or dusty legislative body clutching a King James Bible like it’s a security blanket. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and unholy amounts of sarcasm. Not suitable for theocracies, authoritarians, or viewers still wearing WWJD bracelets unironically. Proceed with irreverence. 

🎤 GEORGE CARLIN’S “APRIL IN TEXAS: NOW WITH 100% MORE JESUS”

Live from the Lone Star State of Delusion

So get this, folks—Texas wants to dedicate the month of April to God. That’s right. Not Easter Sunday. Not a weekend. Not a “Hey, let’s be nice to each other for 48 hours and try not to crucify anyone this year.”

 No, the whole damn month.

Because nothing says “freedom of religion” like the state government holding a ten-year hostage situation in the name of one very specific deity.

Let’s break it down, huh?

We got book bans, anti-trans laws, and schools that think “history” starts in 1776 and ends with a football game. But rather than, oh I dunno, fixing the fucking grid so Grandma doesn’t freeze solid in February, they’re out here declaring April to be Jesuspalooza.

“A whole month for God!”Why? You think He needs the PR?

Let me ask you this—what the hell happened to the separation of church and state?

 Oh, right. It got gerrymandered into irrelevance and replaced with a Bible verse, a gun rack, and an unhealthy fear of drag queens.

You wanna know what this is really about?

 Control.

 These holier-than-thou nitwits don’t care about God.

 They care about telling you who to worship, when to do it, and what flavor of heterosexuality is acceptable while doing it.

These are the same folks who’ll scream “Sharia Law!” if a brown guy says “peace be upon you,” but then turn around and introduce legislation based on Leviticus.

 You know—the one that says don’t wear mixed fabrics. Better throw out your polyester blend, preacher.

And look, if you wanna dedicate April to your personal God? Go for it. Light a candle. Read your sacred text. Don a robe.

 But when the state does it? That’s not devotion.

 That’s a goddamn branding campaign with taxpayer money.

Because if they really gave a shit about faith, they’d spend April helping the poor, housing the homeless, feeding the hungry.

 You know—Jesus shit.

But that’s too hard.

 So instead, they’ll just slap God on a calendar, virtue-signal for thirty days, and call it a win—while cutting school funding, demonizing immigrants, and deregulating everything but uteruses.

Here’s a thought:

 You want to honor God?

 Try turning your power back on.

 Try protecting trans kids.

 Try keeping guns out of classrooms and prayer out of public policy.

Until then?

Keep your Bible out of my government and I’ll keep George Carlin out of your Sunday service.