—Brought to you by the same people who think “freedom” means cutting your meds in half to afford heat

⚠️ SATIRE WARNING ⚠️

 This is your final boarding call for the “Bullshit Detection Express.” If you’re easily offended by truth, sarcasm, or your own government screwing retirees with a smile, please exit the reality loop now.

You know what’s worse than getting old?

Getting old in a country that lies to your face and calls it a goddamn bonus.

So let me get this straight. The Social Security Administration—yes, that bastion of bland envelopes and soul-sucking phone trees—just sent out a love letter to seniors. A celebration, they say.

 "Good news! You won’t have to pay taxes on your Social Security anymore!"

And everybody’s supposed to break into a Charleston and high-five each other at the shuffleboard court.

But there’s just one problem, kids: THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENED.

📬 THE EMAIL SAID:

“90% of beneficiaries will no longer pay taxes on Social Security!”

Which sounds great… until you remember 64% ALREADY DON’T.

You know what that means?

We threw a parade for a tax cut you already had.

🎁 THE “SENIOR BONUS”

Oh yeah. You get a deduction.

A whole $6,000 if you’re single.

$12,000 if you’re married.

 As long as you’re old, broke, and polite enough to die before 2029—because this thing EXPIRES.

That’s not a tax break.

 That’s a coupon for adult diapers, good while supplies last and only valid if you don’t have other income that nudges you above their made-up cutoff line.

You want meaningful reform?

Try repealing the tax entirely.

Instead, they hand you a coupon and whisper, “Now shut up and vote.”

💣 BUT WAIT—THERE’S LESS!

Did they tell you what else is in that bill?

• Slashed Medicaid, which 7 million seniors use for nursing homes and long-term care.
• Destroyed public health programs—because who needs doctors when you’ve got patriotism and mouthwash?
• And exploded the deficit so they can say, “Gee, guess we’ll have to cut Social Security next!”

That’s right.

They give you a $600 deduction now so they can cut your check five years from now.

You don’t need a calculator.

You need a goddamn lawyer with a shovel and a flamethrower.

🧓 LET’S TALK ABOUT JOE AND GLADYS AVERAGE

They’re 71, live on $48,000 a year in retirement.

They’ve got medical bills, rising food costs, and the furnace just died.

Thanks to the OBBBA?

• They save maybe $600/year.
• They lose Medicaid support for their prescriptions.
• Their heating assistance evaporates.
• And they still owe property tax on the house they can’t afford to die in.

But the SSA sent them a fucking party invite.

“Congrats! You’re slightly less doomed!”

🎯 FINAL THOUGHT

You want to “reaffirm Social Security’s importance”?

How about funding it properly.

How about not borrowing its credibility to sell a bill written by hedge funds and fever dreams.

This isn’t a “historic win.”

It’s a con job with an AARP logo slapped on the front.

So next time the SSA sends out a cheery email with fireworks and dancing seniors?

Check the fine print.

It might say “Bend over, Grandma—again.”