​⚖️ Legal Disclaimer​

 This satirical piece is a fictional homage to the late George Carlin, crafted to critique contemporary political developments. It is not authored by George Carlin and is intended for entertainment and commentary purposes only. Any resemblance to actual persons, fascist governors, or bloated authoritarians is purely intentional. You’re welcome. 

🎤 "Free Speech, My A!" – The Unabridged, Unapologetic, George Carlin Rant We Deserve**

Let’s talk about “free speech” in 2025.

That phrase gets tossed around more than a salad at a vegan potluck—but instead of nourishing democracy, it’s being used to choke it.

They shout “free speech!” while wrapping the First Amendment in barbed wire and shoving it down a paper shredder labeled PATRIOTISM™.

🏛️ Federal Free Speech, Brought to You by Censorship Disguised as Liberty

Start with Executive Order 14149—a catchy little name for a document that should’ve been titled:

“Shut Up and Obey.”

Supposedly it’s about restoring free speech. Translation?

Silencing people we don’t like.

Law firms who defend political opponents?

 Gone.

 Stripped of contracts.

 Flagged for review.

 Because in 2025, “free speech” means “you’re free to praise the administration and shut the hell up otherwise.”

🌎 Green Card? Green Light for Deportation

And what happens if you’ve got the wrong opinions but no American passport?

You’re on a f*ing plane.**

Green card holders—people who’ve lived here for decades, raised kids, paid taxes, loved this country—are getting deported for “foreign influence” and “ideological conflict.”

 What did they do?

 Tweeted.

 Posted.

 Protested.

Congrats! You're a threat to national security because you liked the wrong meme.

📚 Book Bans and Bible Spam: The States Go Full Theocracy

Louisiana:

 Ten Commandments in every classroom. Mandatory. Framed. Like the Constitution just took a backseat to Leviticus. And if you don’t like it?

“Tell your kid not to look at it.”

 That's the actual quote from the governor.

That’s their idea of religious liberty now—forced exposure with optional eyeballs.

Oklahoma:

 Ryan Walters, the Dr. Oz of public education, decided that kids need Bibles on every desk and Jesus in every lesson. No funding for arts, no funding for lunches—but hey!

Got a pew, a pulpit, and a prayer rug banned in one sweep!

The Oklahoma Supreme Court had to step in like exhausted parents saying,

“Put the holy book down, Ryan.”

Alabama:

 Ah yes, the land where the Ten Commandments go up and the pride flags come down.

 Because nothing says “freedom” like state-sponsored religion and a public erasure of everyone who doesn’t fit into a 1950s sitcom.

🧼 The “Clean Speech” Movement: Censorship with a Smile

These same folks are launching “clean speech” initiatives.

Not honest speech.

 Not inclusive speech.

Clean speech.

Translation?

 Don’t talk about racism.

 Don’t talk about gender.

 Don’t talk about history unless it involves George Washington kissing an eagle.

🖥️ Speech Surveillance: The Algorithmic Thought Police

Meanwhile, they’re scanning your social media posts like a damn Minority Report pre-crime unit:

• Spoke out at a school board? Red flag.
• Attended a rally? Red flag.
• Used the word “genocide” in relation to American policy?
• Welcome to the no-fly list, comrade.

🗳️ The SAVE Act: “Voter Purity” by Any Other Name

Let’s not forget the crown jewel of quiet suppression:

The SAVE Act.

This one’s real slick. It claims to protect voting integrity—because obviously, voter fraud is always just around the corner. Nevermind that it’s rarer than a competent press secretary.

The real purpose?

To purge voters.

 To challenge citizenship.

 To scare people out of voting.

Want to speak with your ballot?

 Show us your passport, birth certificate, and three references from God-fearing neighbors.

🧨 Final Thought?

This isn’t freedom of speech.

This is freedom of compliance.

Say what we like, when we like, in the way we like—or shut the hell up.

 Speak your truth? Go broke, go missing, or get deported.

 Read banned books? Arrested.

 Fly a flag that makes us uncomfortable? Canceled—by the actual government.

And all the while, they’re screaming,

“We’re the party of free speech!”

Buddy, if this is freedom, then I’m a f***ing rotary phone.