Disclaimer

This is satire. No courts were harmed in the making of this rant — unless you count their overworked clerks. If you think the President has the power to bulldoze the Constitution, you might already be watching Fox News with the sound off.

September’s not even half over, and FOTUS has been racking up losses in court like a drunk gambler at a Vegas slot machine. Let’s take a look at the scoreboard, shall we?

First up: E. Jean Carroll. Remember her? He called her a liar, a “nut job,” all the greatest hits. Jury said “pay up.” Trump appealed. The Second Circuit said: Nope, $83.3 million still due, asshole. Personal. Painful. And legally final.

Next: Head Start. The administration tried to kick undocumented kids out of preschool. Out of preschool! Judge said, Are you kidding me? and slapped a nationwide injunction on that garbage. You can’t fight tyranny with finger paints, but you can sure fight cruelty with a court order.

Then: the Fed. Trump tried to fire Governor Lisa Cook because she wasn’t “aligned” with his agenda. Federal judge said, Sorry Donnie, the Federal Reserve isn’t Mar-a-Lago. You don’t get to toss people out of office like a busboy. She keeps her job, the Fed keeps its independence, and Trump gets another L.

Oh, but wait, there’s more. Trump’s executive order to shut down federal agencies — gone. Institute of Museum and Library Services? Minority Business Development Agency? Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service? He wanted to axe them all. First Circuit said: Sorry, you’re not Congress. You can’t just swing a sledgehammer at government because you’re bored. Agencies stay open, Donnie sulks.

And the hits keep coming. Coalition of states, led by New York, sued to block his gutting of social services — food banks, family planning, early childhood programs. Judge said: Nice try, but millions of Americans still need to eat, asshole. Injunction granted. Services protected.

So let’s tally this up.

• Carroll case: Loss.
• Head Start case: Loss.
• Federal Reserve case: Loss.
• Agency shutdown case: Loss.
• Social services case: Loss.

That’s five big ones, and we’re only at September 12. And looming out there? Tariff cases, research grant freezes, redistricting fights. The man’s presidency is turning into one long out-of-office reply from the judiciary: Denied.

So here’s the truth: For all the talk of “absolute power” and “unitary executive,” the courts have been carving him up like Sunday roast. He’s not the all-powerful strongman he pretends to be. He’s just another defendant, losing case after case, while the Constitution keeps reminding him: You work for us, asshole.