⚖️ Legal Disclaimer

 The following is a piece of satirical commentary written in the voice of the late George Carlin, protected under the First Amendment. It targets public policies and institutions, not individuals, and contains harsh language, explicit criticism, and a complete unwillingness to coddle bigotry masquerading as public service.

If you’re offended by the words more than the actions described, congratulations—you’re exactly who it’s aimed at.

🎤 “Exploratory Therapy? I’ll Show You Exploratory Therapy.”

 A George Carlin-Style Rant on the HHS Report on Trans Youth Care

So the Department of Health and Human Services— you know, the one with "Health" right in the name— just released a 409-page pile of bureaucratic malpractice pretending to be a report on transgender youth care.

And you know what they called it?

"Treatment for Pediatric Gender Dysphoria: Review of Evidence and Best Practices."

Which is government-ese for: “We’d like to sound scientific while we throw trans kids under the f***ing bus.”

Here’s what they did: They took every major medical consensus—American Medical Association, Pediatricians, Psychologists, Endocrinologists, WPATH, God, Moses, you name it— And they said: “Nah, we’re good. We asked some guys who write for Facebook comment sections instead.”

And what did they recommend instead of proven, affirming care?

“Exploratory therapy.”

Ooooh, sounds harmless, right?

 Like a guided field trip for feelings.

But surprise: it’s conversion therapy in a lab coat.

 It’s “talk it out” until you shut up, sit straight, and act cis.

This isn’t medicine.

 This is torture with a waiting room.

And you know what makes it even better?

They didn’t sign it.

That’s right—anonymous authors.

 No accountability, no credentials, no names.

 Just a faceless state document telling you how to parent your kid based on science they can’t even cite.

Because nothing says "we care about vulnerable children" like federal gaslighting with a 409-page appendix.

This whole thing was commissioned under Executive Order 14187— which basically says:

“Trans people under 19? We don't acknowledge their existence, but we’re very passionate about controlling it.”

And now they’re using this “report” to try and:

• Cut off care
• Defund clinics
• Sue hospitals
• Silence providers
• And turn trans youth into a talking point with pronouns.

Meanwhile, trans kids are dying.

 Not from hormones.

 Not from surgery.

From rejection.

 From isolation.

 From laws like these.

But hey— at least the politicians can sleep soundly knowing their idea of science involves ignoring everyone who actually practices medicine.

🧨 Final Thought?

 This isn’t about safety.

 This isn’t about concern.

 This is about power.

About deciding who gets to be real.

 Who gets to matter.

 And who gets to exist without begging permission from a government that can’t even define what a fing uterus does without asking Google.***

So here’s a message to HHS:

You don’t protect children by lying to their doctors. You don’t protect families by sabotaging their kids. And you sure as hell don’t get to redefine “care” as cruelty just because you wrapped it in a government seal.

🔗 Sources (for when your uncle says this is “just a joke”):

 📄 Full HHS Report (PDF) https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/treatment-for-pediatric-gender-dysphoria.pdf

• 🧠 Analysis and critique from Time
• 🧵 Axios coverage of the fallout https://www.axios.com/2025/05/01/hhs-report-gender-care-risk