Disclaimer

This is satire. No presidents were harmed in the making of this rant — though some may have accidentally signed incriminating birthday cards. If you think the FBI once used Donald Trump as an informant, you’ve been huffing Freedom Gas straight from the can.

You want to know what fear looks like? Fear looks like Epstein survivors holding a press conference on Capitol Hill… and military jets buzzing overhead, drowning them out mid-sentence. Survivors of sex trafficking trying to tell their story, and the state hits the “mute” button with jet engines. That’s not optics, that’s intimidation with afterburners.

And then we get the so-called “document dump.” Thirty-three thousand pages. Sounds impressive, right? Sounds like transparency. But open it up? Ninety-seven percent of it is already public. It’s not disclosure, it’s confetti. They filled three-ring binders with Google results and called it compliance.

The survivors called bullshit. They said: We’re not props, we’re people. Stop redacting the truth. But the DOJ? The White House? They’d rather look busy than be honest.

And then comes the circus act: Speaker Mike Johnson, straight-faced, claiming that Trump was… wait for it… an FBI informant. Yeah, apparently the same guy who calls the FBI a “deep state witch hunt” was secretly their man on the inside. What was he informing on? Spray-tan shortages? Hamburger theft? Johnson tosses it out there like it’s gospel, then offers zero proof. Just another smoke grenade lobbed into the room to distract from the smell of panic.

And now, the cherry on the birthday cake — the infamous letter. Epstein’s 50th birthday, 2003, and in the files pops up a note signed “Donald.” Reads: “Happy Birthday — and may every day be another wonderful secret.” Jesus Christ, you couldn’t write creepier dialogue if you were auditioning for Law & Order: SVU.

Trump says it’s fake. His press secretary says it’s fake. Sure. Maybe it’s forged. Maybe the ink fairy broke into Epstein’s mansion. But if it’s so fake, why are they sweating bullets every time these files come up? Why threaten GOP lawmakers with being “hostile” to Trump if they vote to release the files? Why flood Congress with junk paper instead of the real names?

And while we’re at it — Senate Republicans killed a motion to release more Epstein files. Fifty-one to forty-nine. Only two Republicans broke ranks. Because nothing says “we care about victims” like voting to keep the list locked up.

So let’s put this together. Survivors silenced with flyovers. Fake files by the thousands. Threats against lawmakers. A Speaker of the House claiming the president was an FBI informant. And a letter tying Trump to Epstein in black and white.

That’s not coincidence. That’s panic. That’s the sound of a political empire circling the drain, terrified one name in those files will crash the whole damn system.

The truth is simple: if there’s nothing to hide, release the files. If the letter’s fake, prove it. If Trump was an informant, show the damn paperwork. But they won’t. They can’t. Because the real secret isn’t in the redactions. It’s in the fear.

And fear doesn’t lie.