🎤 “Dumb Drivers in a Dumb Country: Or Why the Left Lane Is Where Intelligence Goes to Die”

 A George Carlin-Style Combo Rant: Now with 40% More Horn Honking and 100% Less Brain Power

Let’s talk about Americans.

 You know the ones. The people who think the moon landing was fake, but their Facebook meme about vinegar curing COVID? That’s gospel.

Now take that crowd—and put them in a car.

Welcome to the American highway system:

A multi-lane dumbass parade with no exit ramps for common sense.

🚘 Driving Is the IQ Test Nobody Studies For

 You ever notice?

Everyone thinks they're a good driver—but nobody can merge.

They’re flying 80 in a 60 with one hand on a vape pen and the other checking if their DoorDash got delayed, and they still think you’re the problem because you used a blinker like some kind of communist.

And if you follow the rules?

They hate you.

You do the speed limit?

“Look at this goddamn liberal snowflake slowing down traffic!”

You use your turn signal?

“Uh-oh, someone got a degree in Europe!”

Meanwhile, these are the same people who’ll scream about government overreach but want the cops to arrest you for not turning right on red fast enough.

🧠 Dumb on Wheels

 And let’s not forget: we’re not just dumb while driving.

We’re dumb about driving.

You ask the average American how their car works, they’ll say:

“I dunno… Jesus and gasoline?”

Half the country doesn’t know how to check their oil.

 The other half thinks EV stands for Extremely Vile, and the government’s using Teslas to steal your sperm.

📱 Phones, Distractions, and Other Mental Hazards

 Now we’ve added phones to the mix.

Used to be people read the newspaper at stoplights.

 Now they’re live-streaming a mukbang while TikTok duets with their airbag.

And when they do hit something?

They blame you.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there!”

Yeah? Well I didn’t see your brain, but I assumed it was somewhere north of your ass!

🛣️ Left Lane Philosophy: A Tragedy in Three Acts

 And don’t get me started on the left lane.

The left lane is for passing.

But here in America?

It’s the Nap Zone.

You got someone doing 55 in a 75, driving like they’re waiting for God to text them permission to change lanes.

You flash your lights, tap your horn, and what do they do?

Nothing.

 Just stare into the middle distance like a cow at an algebra test.

And if you pass them on the right?

They flip you off.

Because you had the gall to follow the laws of physics instead of the code of the road moron.

🚧 And Then There’s Road Rage

 Because nothing says “freedom” like threatening someone with a tire iron because they braked too hard.

These are the same people who scream about Antifa but lose their minds over a missed exit like they’re storming the Capitol on wheels.

🧨 Final Thought?

 Dumb Americans and driving?

Perfect storm.

You got a country that doesn’t read, doesn’t think, and thinks infrastructure is a socialist plot—and then you put them in charge of two tons of steel with cupholders.

And we call it “freedom.”

But you know what?

Sometimes I think the only freedom we really want…

 is the freedom to be as dumb, fast, and angry as possible while blaming everyone else for where we end up.

Usually in a ditch.

 Texting.

 In all caps.