Disclaimer

This is satire. Nobody’s accusing the president of insider trading — though if you’ve got a tip, he’ll probably sell it in a hotel ballroom for fifty bucks and a Big Mac.

Why does Donnie want to kill quarterly reporting and go semiannual? Simple: he doesn’t like report cards. Every three months the truth comes out — profits, losses, lawsuits, bankruptcies, all the fun stuff. Stretch it to six months, you’ve doubled the time before the public gets a peek under the hood. That means fewer embarrassments for a guy with more bankruptcies than wives.

And with six months, the accountants get a field day. Twice the time to massage the numbers, shuffle liabilities, hide debt in a shell company in the Caymans. It’s not that you can’t cook the books quarterly, it’s that semiannual gives you enough time to marinate the sauce and garnish it with parsley before the auditors come sniffing around.

Then there’s the cronies. FOTUS lives in a swamp of publicly traded buddies, private equity ghouls, and oil barons. Less frequent reporting means less scrutiny of their price gouging, their political kickbacks, their surprise profit spikes conveniently timed for campaign season. Imagine ExxonMobil raking in record billions while Trump screams about “Biden’s failed energy policies” — but no quarterly report drops to ruin the storyline.

And don’t forget market manipulation. Trump loves chaos. Quarterly numbers give investors an anchor. Semiannual means six long months of rumor, panic, and “inside tips” that can move billions. Perfect for a president with a megaphone and a few friends on speed dial.

And of course: campaign optics. Semiannual means you can line up the “good news” reports right before an election, and bury the crash until after the votes are counted. The timing becomes a weapon.

So personally? He avoids embarrassment, shields his friends, manipulates the markets, and kneecaps regulators and journalists who depend on regular transparency. That’s not reform — that’s a con with a longer fuse.

Of course, to stoke the fires, Donnie gets on Truth Social and blurts out: “China has a 50 to 100 year view on management of a company, whereas we run our companies on a quarterly basis?? Not good!!!”

And for once, the broken clock hits noon. Yeah — he’s right. Companies here are hooked on quarters like junkies on crack. Every three months: “What’s the EPS? Did we beat the Street? No? Fire a thousand workers, slash R&D, sell the office chairs for scrap, I need that stock up by Friday!”

Meanwhile, hedge funds play vulture. They buy a company, strip it for parts, sell off the buildings, cash out the pension fund, dump the carcass, and call it “efficiency.” That’s not capitalism, that’s cannibalism.

Now — imagine if we fixed it. Pay CEOs for decades of results, not three months of book-cooking. Put workers on boards so decisions aren’t made in smoke-filled rooms by rich pricks who never met a punch clock. Give long-term shareholders more power than Wall Street locusts flipping stocks like Pokémon cards. Tax the hell out of raiders who gut companies just to pump their portfolio for a quarter.

That’s how you get real businesses. Ones that invent new things, keep jobs steady, invest in people. You know — capitalism that works.

But here’s the zinger: none of that’s gonna happen. Not in Trump’s America, not in Biden’s, not in Jesus’s if he came back with a briefcase and an MBA. Because billionaires don’t want companies that last — they want a scoreboard where the only stat is how much cash you stack before you die. You can’t take it with you, but you can sure as hell “win” the game by dying with the most toys.

And that’s what America’s economy is now: a goddamn pissing contest in gold-plated toilets.