⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With Optional Rights, Just $5,000 Extra!)

 This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you believe job security should be a luxury and loyalty to Dear Leader should be your only résumé, you might already be qualified to run for Senate. No refunds, no appeals, and no unions allowed.

So let me get this straight.

You want to be a park ranger, or a postal worker, or a pencil-pusher at the Department of Agriculture?

 Great. Fill out the forms, pass the background check, maybe take a civil service exam…

And now you get to pay thousands of dollars a year just so your boss can’t fire you because he doesn’t like your Facebook page.

Welcome to the American Federal Extortion Plan:

Pay for your paycheck, or pack your shit.

They’re calling it part of the One Big Beautiful Bill.

 Which is just poetic, because it really is all those things:

 It’s big, it’s bullshit, and it’s beautiful—if you’re into stripping workers of their rights like a thief unwrapping a sandwich.

You see, under this bill, if you want the same job protections that the government’s had for a century and a half, you gotta cough up an extra 10% of your salary.

That’s right.

Pay-to-stay.

 Or in government terms: “We’ve decided job security is now a premium feature. Would you like fries with that pension?”

And what happens if you don’t pay?

Well then you’re at-will.

 Which is corporate speak for “we can fire your ass because the president didn’t like your tweet from 2017.”

No explanation. No recourse. No dignity.

 Just a pink slip and a “God Bless America” on your way out the door.

But it gets worse—because it always fucking does.

Even if you don’t want the job protections, you still get dinged 5%.

 Because why?

 Because fuck you, that’s why.

 Because they need that money to fund their $75 billion border boner and make sure ICE has enough budget to chase 19-year-old Dreamers across state lines.

And the unions?

 You remember unions.

 Those pesky things that make sure you get breaks and pay and someone to call when your boss calls you “woke trash.”

 Well now, they gotta pay rent on the buildings they’ve always worked in, pay to talk to members, and if they can’t keep up with the new bills?

Boom.

Decertified.

 That’s right—not fired. Just erased. Like they never mattered.

This isn’t policy.

 It’s a revenge fantasy for rich cowards in suits who got mad the janitor outlived their favorite Cabinet pick.

It’s a spoils system reboot, coming soon to a government near you:

 Hire your friends, fire your critics, and if anyone complains, jack up their rent until they shut the hell up or go broke.

You want a federal workforce loyal to the Constitution?

Too bad.

 This bill builds one loyal to whoever signs the checks.

And guess who’s holding the pen?

The guy who said “I love the poorly educated.”

 And now he’s trying to make sure they’re the only ones left in the building.

So pay up, peasants.

 The freedom to serve your country now comes with monthly fees and optional dignity.

No warranty, no union rep, and no job protections without a platinum loyalty subscription.

Welcome to America. Now bend over and log in.