(A parody in the style of Tom Lehrer)

(Spoken, over gentle piano tinkling)

Good evening.

As some of you may know, I’ve always been fascinated by our species’ uncanny ability to solve disputes with the kind of grace and subtlety typically reserved for bar fights and toddler tantrums.

And while in the past we used to declare war with things like formal declarations, silly hats, and bugle solos, today we’ve found a far more efficient system:

We simply drop things from the sky and call it foreign policy.

Now, I don’t want to suggest that anyone’s being reckless. No, quite the contrary! These days, we make sure to use precision-guided explosives. Because when you obliterate a hospital with surgical accuracy, it really softens the blow.

So, in honor of this weekend’s thrilling installment of “Democracy: The Explodable Edition,” I’ve prepared a little number called…

“Boom Goes the Diplomacy.”

(Cue upbeat piano and the smiling, dead-eyed cheer of mutually assured snark.)

Verse 1

 It started with a briefing and a shrug behind closed doors,

 “Let’s show ‘em that we mean it”—with some bombs and maybe more.

 Precision was the promise, and restraint was on the sheet,

 But by the time it aired on news, we’d leveled half the street!

Chorus

 Oh boom goes the diplomacy,

 We skipped the talks and blamed TV!

 The war machine is on a spree—

 And we make peace with TNT!

Verse 2

 The target was a warehouse, or a school—no wait, a van?

 Intelligence was solid! Well… at least it had a scan.

 A wedding turned to headlines, and we say that’s “deep regret,”

 But hey, at least the missile worked—so chalk it up as net!

Chorus

 Boom goes the diplomacy,

 The generals toast in secrecy.

 We drop the truth selectively—

 And fund the fallout properly!

Bridge

 So grab your flags and hashtags too,

 The livestream’s lit, we’re trending through!

 And if they hit us back next week,

 We’ll say they started it. Technique!

Final Chorus (slow, sentimental)

 Boom goes the diplomacy,

 In red, white, blue hypocrisy…

 The world may burn, but can’t you see?

It’s really good for industry…

(Piano outro fades into missile siren)