⚠️ SNARKY DISCLAIMER
This satirical takedown addresses public policy, court decisions, and constitutional rights. It does not assert any criminal wrongdoing except according to rulings already made. If you think the 14th Amendment is a suggestion, or that an ex-president can pick and choose your civil rights—maybe start with a civics class and end with a mirror.
So the Felon of the United States—FOTUS for short—signed Executive Order 14160 on Day One of his second term, declaring: “No birthright citizenship for babies whose parents aren’t citizens or permanent residents!”
Basically, he wants to repeal the 14th Amendment with a Sharpie and a tweet-feed.
But guess what?
Multiple federal courts slapped that order like a bad joke.
New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Washington—they issued nationwide injunctions, calling the order blatantly unconstitutional.
Then Trump’s DOJ tried to argue that judges had no right to protect everyone—only specific plaintiffs.
That led to the Supreme Court case Trump v. CASA, where SCOTUS said: "Okay, sure, universal injunctions are passé—except when they’re necessary."
That left people scrambling to file class-action lawsuits like Barbara v. Trump, which promptly won a preliminary injunction and class certification.
Even the Boston-based 1st Circuit is grilling DOJ lawyers today about why they think Wong Kim Ark—that 1898 case affirming birthright citizenship—no longer matters.
Madness.
🚧 Legal reasoning takeaway:
- Trump v. CASA did not rule out class-action based nationwide relief.
- Courts are still blocking the order via APA lawsuits and injunctions limited to plaintiff classes, because the Citizenship Clause in the 14th Amendment still clearly says: anyone born on U.S. soil, subject to jurisdiction, is a citizen.
- Wong Kim Ark dictates that birthright applies even if your parents are undocumented or temporary visa holders. The DOJ’s contrary legal theory is being treated with eye-rolls at every appellate bench.
💥 The Felon’s Own Logic Bites Him:
Trump also floated the idea: the DOJ should strip naturalized citizens of their citizenship if they commit certain felonies—denaturalize them and deport them.
That policy is already documented in internal DOJ memos.
Now listen to the symmetry:
- FOTUS was born in Queens.
- He’s undeniably a birthright citizen—even by his own rules.
- He’s also a convicted felon (in New York courts for fraud).
- So by the twins-of-logic standard, he’d be—get this—a birthright baby and a felon.
- So according to his own playbook?
- He should deport himself.
- To Scotland or Germany, maybe.
- We’d even spring for a round-trip ticket and $1,000 in “self-deportation charity.”
- Yes—the ex-president who rails against passports would be homeless in his own country.
🧠 Finally—why this matters:
This isn’t about “cleaning up immigration.”
It’s about erasing constitutional protections meant to prevent exactly this kind of autocracy.
Dead children in detention.
Undefined enforcement across states.
Kids born here but left stateless because their parents were in the wrong legal category.
All justified with a gerrymandered reading of the word “jurisdiction.”
And the SCOTUS majority that gave him legal wiggle room?
Led by conservative Justices who weaponize procedure to gut substance.
Sotomayor and Jackson warned: this ruling lets the executive roam free, allowing immigrants born here to lose their rights based on nothing more than geography—or executive whim.
🔚 Final Thought?
So here we stand in 2025:
- Courts are still saving birthplace citizenship—for now.
- Class actions are carrying the fight.
- And the author of the overthrow attempt is himself squarely within the protections he's attacking.
So FOTUS?
Congrats—by your own standards, you're twice the threat to your legal theory.
A birthright citizen to the power of felonhood.
But go ahead—self-deport.
We'll wire you your thousand bucks.
Just make sure you leave Wong Kim Ark in the U.S. because, guess what, that’s the real Constitution.
Because if Trump comes for birthright rights, come for him too—double-booking your own logic is the ultimate punchline.