⚖️ NEW & IMPROVED LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
This satirical rant is written in the irreverent spirit of George Carlin, who made a career out of eviscerating bullshit with precision-guided profanity. The views expressed here do not represent the Carlin estate, any official government, Elon Musk, or anyone who still thinks "Western values" means sunscreen and Netflix. Viewer discretion advised. Offended readers may exit stage right, humming "Ave Maria" through a gas mask.
ASYLUM FOR WHITES, NOT BROWNS—AND ELON’S GOT THE KEYS TO THE GATE
So the Trump administration, that rolling freakshow of cosplay fascism, has just decided that 54 white South Africans deserve asylum in the United States.
Why?
Because apparently, reverse racism is the new gold standard in persecution.
They say these Afrikaners are “fleeing racial discrimination.”
From where?
A gated estate in Pretoria with more bathrooms than people?
Let me tell you something:
This isn’t about human rights.
It’s about optics.
It’s about which skin tone plays better on campaign banners and Fox News chyron graphics.
Because here’s the ugly truth they don’t want you to say out loud:
If those 54 asylum-seekers were Congolese? Sudanese? Syrian? Haitian?
They’d still be face-down on the wrong side of a refugee ban with a boot on their paperwork.
But make ’em white, give ’em names like Dirk and Willem, and suddenly it’s “a humanitarian crisis.”
And that’s where Elon comes in.
He didn’t sign the forms.
He didn’t lobby the White House (that we know of).
But Elon Musk—poster child of the “techno-libertarian settler fantasy”—has been spoon-feeding the same message for years:
“Civilization is collapsing!” “Birthrates are down!” “We need to protect Western culture!”
Protect it from what, exactly?
From brown babies with opinions?
From immigrants who know how to solder and season their food?
This guy’s out here naming his kids after CIA project codes and tweeting about how we need to colonize Mars—
Because Earth’s too diverse now?
Elon’s not a policymaker.
He’s a narrative architect.
He wraps fear in algorithms, dresses it in memes, and sells it as progress.
So when Trump opens the gates for a white-only refugee lane from South Africa, it’s not random.
It’s not about the people.
It’s about the ideology.
It’s the holy trinity of MAGA doctrine:
White. Christian. “Under Siege.”
They’re building a Noah’s Ark for the end of Western Civilization—and Elon’s already reserved the first-class pod with built-in crypto mining and a cryo-chamber for Ayn Rand.
Meanwhile, real refugees—people fleeing war, genocide, starvation—are told to wait in line, unless they die first.
Because let’s face it: In Trump’s America, “asylum” is just shorthand for “You look like me.”
And “merit-based immigration”?
Well, the only merit they care about is melanin levels and whether you know which fork goes with steak.
So yeah, maybe Elon didn’t pull the trigger.
But he helped design the fucking rifle.
With Bluetooth and a vegan leather stock.
