🎤 "Accredit This, You Bureaucratic Bastards!"

 A George Carlin-style Rant on Trump’s Higher Ed Executive Orders

Ahh, higher education. The sacred temple of knowledge.

 Where students go to get into lifelong debt while learning about the mating rituals of 14th-century Flemish goats.

But don’t worry—Trump’s here to fix it!

 And when Trump fixes things, it’s like giving a toddler a blowtorch and telling him to "redecorate the kitchen."

📘 EO #1: Accreditation ‘Reform’

 Oh boy.

Trump signed an executive order to “reform” the accreditation system. Which, in government speak, means:

“Do what I want or I kneecap your endowment with a rusty copy of Atlas Shrugged.”

He says he wants to focus on “outcomes,” not “woke ideology.”

 Let’s translate that:

OUTCOMES = The school produces a compliant, God-fearing, carbon-based life form with a LinkedIn account and no questions.

WOKE IDEOLOGY = Anything that teaches history, context, empathy, or that maybe white guys didn’t invent everything.

This is like judging a university based on how many frat bros can spell “Constitution” without auto-correct.

And what happens if your school doesn’t comply?

No accreditation.

 No accreditation means no federal funding.

 No student aid. No grants. No research. No cafeteria budget for “Ethnic Food Day.”

You want your university to survive?

Better burn those gender studies syllabi and replace them with “How to Not Offend Ron DeSantis 101.”

💸 EO #2: Foreign Donation Crackdown

 Now this one? This one’s delicious.

Trump’s other executive order says universities have to report all foreign donations—especially the big ones.

Now that sounds reasonable, right? Transparency! Accountability!

Nope.

It’s a gotcha game.

 He’s not looking for foreign influence—he’s looking for an excuse to say “Harvard is a front for Hezbollah.”

If a university got $10K from a language institute in Istanbul, you better believe Tucker Carlson’s going to be holding that up like a murder weapon at a kindergarten graduation.

Meanwhile Liberty University could get a crate of rubles and a thank-you note from Putin and nobody would blink.

🔥 The Endgame? A Trump U for Everyone

 This isn’t reform. This is revenge.

This is what happens when a guy gets banned from speaking at MIT and decides the entire higher ed system must burn like a Gender Neutral Studies textbook at a Turning Point rally.

You want to see the future of education under these orders?

• Every professor wears a flag pin
• Every course is “Patriotic Civics: How America Never Did Anything Wrong”
• And every lecture starts with the Pledge of Allegiance and ends with a group prayer to the ghost of Ronald Reagan

This isn’t a university system.

 It’s a themed restaurant with a GED requirement.

🧨 Final Thought?

 These two executive orders are a one-two punch:

1. Choke off accreditation for schools that think too hard
2. Call them foreign agents when they try to push back

And when they’re gasping for breath?

 Trump struts in with a smug grin and a Trump U diploma that says:

“Congratulations! You’re now qualified to clean the bathrooms at Freedom World.”

🔗 Wanna Fact-Check This Nightmare? Be My Guest:

•  CBS: EO to Eliminate “Woke” from Accreditation
• ED.Gov: Trump Admin Press Release
• Reuters: Foreign Donations Order