⚠️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

 This is satire, in the full-bore, vein-popping, bullshit-scorching voice of George Carlin. Everyone’s guilty until proven hilarious. If you’re a lawmaker and feel personally attacked—good. That means you were paying attention.

George Says: “YOU KNOW WHAT CONGRESS IS? IT’S A COUNTRY CLUB WITH VOTING PRIVILEGES”

Mike Johnson—you know, the Speaker of the House, Third in line for the presidency—says he’s “sympathetic” to lawmakers who want to keep trading stocks.

 Because—and I quote—“they’ve got families to take care of.”

Oh really?

Let me break this down for you.

These folks make $174,000 a year.

 And that’s just the starter pack.

 You get:

• Free healthcare. Gold-plated, taxpayer-funded, while they try to repeal yours.
• Travel allowances. So you can complain about gas prices from 30,000 feet.
• A pension. You work five years, you get paid for life. Must be nice!
• Staff budgets. Over a million bucks a year in the House, three million in the Senate.
• Tax deductions. Yup! $3,000 off for “living expenses”—because having two homes is hard.
• A gym, a parking space, and mail privileges. They get to send propaganda for free while your rent check gets hit with a stamp tax.

Total package?

Over $500,000 a year in salary and benefits.

 Meanwhile, the median American household brings in $80,610.

And these assholes have the gall to say it’s not enough?

 That they need to gamble in the market with insider tips just to “take care of their family”?

 Buddy—most of America’s working two jobs and skipping dental cleanings to take care of theirs.

 YOU want a second income?

Try Uber.

But let’s talk about what Johnson really wants to keep going.

Let’s talk insider trading dressed up as patriotism.

📈 Senator Tommy Tuberville (R-AL)

 Hit a 600% return on Nvidia.

 Must be a genius investor, right?

 Nah—just sits on committees with access to classified briefings about the tech sector.

When you know where the train’s going, investing in tracks ain’t risky.

💸 Rep. Daniel Meuser (R-PA)

 100% return in one year.

 Either he’s the next Warren Buffett

 or he’s reading tomorrow’s Wall Street Journal today.

🚨 Rep. Brian Mast (R-FL)

 Bought Virgin Galactic stock after an executive testified in his committee.

 Look, when your job involves writing the rules and your side hustle is betting on the outcomes,

 that’s not investing.

 That’s rigging the roulette wheel and then acting surprised when you hit red.

📊 Rep. Jared Moskowitz (D-FL)

 Bought stocks right after a major tariff announcement.

 Yeah, just a lucky hunch, right?

 He must’ve had a dream about global trade policy and woke up screaming “BUY CHINA!”

Meanwhile, they all sit on Capitol Hill pretending they represent you.

 You. The people watching their groceries double in price while Congress gets insider info and clicks “buy.”

 You. The people getting fined for a late tax return while they get to violate the STOCK Act dozens of times and still show up on C-SPAN with a smile and a flag pin.

Here’s the truth:

Congress isn’t broken. It’s just leased to the highest bidder.

 And they like it that way.

So here’s what George says:

 You don’t get to call yourself a public servant

 if you’re using your office like a fucking ATM.

You want to trade stocks?

Quit.

 Go full Gordon Gekko and leave the Capitol to people who remember what a savings account looks like.

And if that salary’s not enough for you?

 Try living on $80k in a one-bedroom in Akron.

 No franking privilege. No pension. No goddamn gym.

George out.

 And if they ever pass a law banning congressional stock trading?

I’ll believe it when a lobbyist cries.